Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that
“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon