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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.


When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it


[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now


Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday


The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁


My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.