This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!