[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
? 💀
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.