I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.

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This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.




I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.


Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.


I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.


I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.


“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!