Oh my god
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and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today