@trashtastica

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

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@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

@thenatewolf

Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

@Darlainky

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no