I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Van Gone
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.