Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?
Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?
Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise