A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them