I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Just how popey was the pope today?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When you’re here for the treats.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do