I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.