I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
DOOO EEEET
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
you gotta be faster
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.