@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

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@BillMc7

Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

@WorkingMom86

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@ArfMeasures

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

@jordan_stratton

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.