I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Sunday
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB