Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My body language is more audible than visual.
Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.