earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.