@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

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@pinupteacher

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.

@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@Tmoney68

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

@BobTheSuit

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.