I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You Might Also Like
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
new shirt idea
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.