I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

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my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…


A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.


Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?




So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.


I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.


Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy


Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.


BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.


Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.