I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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He took my last fry, your honor
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
How animals would run if they were human
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Lol #dogsoftwitter
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters