I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.