I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You Might Also Like
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.