@DanielEdison_

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

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@WittySassBasket

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

@FeelingEuphoric

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@impaulmccoy

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

@DaveVescio

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@Browtweaten

“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service