I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If you don’t mind..
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
He just sat there.
Like a Psychopath.
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service