@GlumGeorgeLucas

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

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@engineportal

When a kid says ” Daddy, I want mommy”, that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.

@Laser_Cat

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@Average_Dad1

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

@Kaldruen

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

@KKAlThani

David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

@DirtyTalkBooks

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

@Brampersandon_

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It

was

nice

knowing

you