When a kid says ” Daddy, I want mommy”, that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!