I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine