I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain


And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:


MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water


I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.


“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”


[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*


If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.


*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.