I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.


*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*


my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting


When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.


Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.


“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”



A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.


Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….