[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.
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extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.