After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You Might Also Like
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Support your local cemetery
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
mumsnet is amazing
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?