@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

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@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

@phaggots

*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@lovemyboots111

Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@MrEd_EVH

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

@CrzyCharly

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….