@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

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@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@hippieswordfish

extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@ThisLocalHater

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

@AndyJokedAgain

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

@causticbob

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

@JohnLyonTweets

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

@SirEviscerate

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.