Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love
Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack
Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names
Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point