I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.