@ElKnuckelhombre

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

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@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@RunOldMan

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@iamdevloper

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@Mr_Kapowski

Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call