I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

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Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible


We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”


A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.


Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*


“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”


[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries


*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.


Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.


Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love

Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack

Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names

Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point