“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]