How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March