I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers