@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

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@RodLacroix

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

@ThugRaccoons

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

@IrishVin

I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

@blade_funner

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

@mom_tho

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

@TweetPotato314

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@dannyboy7813

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

@ShellHasDragons

What if all this is just because the great game developer in the sky put us on autoplay?

@OneTrickTofani

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah