I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

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Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.


When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”


I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.


[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave


I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.


*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*


The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.


The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.


Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.


Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.