@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

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@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@mydmac

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

@themiltron

[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

@shawn_spree

I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.

@AimeeHelene1

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.