I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES