I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.