I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!