I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

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me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how


My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.


ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.


I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.


Experimental Music sounds like a cool idea until you realize that the experiment is how bad something can be, and still be called music.


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud



Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?


Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.