I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot


I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt


FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!


Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.


Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.


My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.


5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.