@BridgetPhetasy

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

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@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@jacob_swift16

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot

@arandomhim

I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt

@dugglebutt

FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!

@AaronFullerton

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

@sofarrsogud

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

@Xoolun

My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.

@kumailn

5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.