I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Just a friendly reminder!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.