@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

You Might Also Like

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@flashember

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@GrantTanaka

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

@drinksmcgee

My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.