@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

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@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

@markydoodoo

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

@J_Mainwaring69

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN