I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!


[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.


*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”


She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.


whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work


Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”