Worst bar ever.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
She’s constantly mad at me
“There are squirrels living in our house”
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN