I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done


While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.



Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite


Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.


I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial


I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me


All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…


if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy