I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
What personal space?
My dog
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone