I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.


If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.


Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that


ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water


Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.


[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today


Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.


Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff