@AlisonChrista

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

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@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

@mccoy_paul

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

@suzannemariedo

[funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@TheUrbanSlangs

Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

@whippedjelli

if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy