@AlisonChrista

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

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@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@LlamaInaTux

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@jonnysun

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

@shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff