I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.