I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]


Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat


I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???


Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?


absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys


Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh


I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.


To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician


Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*