I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
You Might Also Like
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept