@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

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@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@holy_schnitt

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

@joeljeffrey

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@Divergentmama

Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh

@Gooooats

I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@Chhapiness

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

@capnwatsisname

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*