I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
she has a point
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.