Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Venn
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!