When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My purse is deeper than some people.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!