@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

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@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”ecorno2″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3602882142/60f748e59a955f882eacab306d08682d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”340405199678078977″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”79″;s:5:”tweet”;s:66:”I think after writing 50k tweets, they should give you a free cat.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@TimmyPumpkin

*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp

@lukasbattle

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@crylenol

CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted