I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.