I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”