Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Yeah. This was me today.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
even bears disappoint their mothers
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.