I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Don’t make me out nice you.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Dolls on drugs
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos