I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Nose
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”