I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
and now we wait
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.