I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.


My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips


Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.


I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.


If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.


‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.


He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.