Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.