I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.