@Freudianscript

I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

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@SuburbanSleuth

My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@AshleyFrankly

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

@truegritrumble

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

@better_off_dad

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

@sonictyrant

Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.