@Freudianscript
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@KeetPotato
me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]
@Dildo_Hitler
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
@mom_ontherocks
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
@BatBatshitcrazy
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
@Jake_Vig
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
@awescar
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
@Matt_the_1st
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
@foodandwhining
People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.
@spacewizard_t
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.