I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

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me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.


I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.


Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.


It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim


People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.


me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.