@Freudianscript

I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@angibangie

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

@Turnip2020

An eggplant just recognized me from Twitter & asked for my autograph. I gave him one, but then suddenly his father showed up, grabbed him by the stem, and told him to NEVER associate with vegetables like me.

Bigotry is still alive and well. I will do my best to root it out.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

@DanMentos

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

@Average_Dad1

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.