Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.