I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.