I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.