Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.