I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
There is no “we” in pizza
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
i hope my email finds you on fire
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot