I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
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Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
These 3D printers are insane!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
brian had himself a morning…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
*skinny dips into black hole
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children