I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
the answer was staring at me all along
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good