“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?