@Beerhaze

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

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@kimtopher22

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@thegingercorn

9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@whatmaddness

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

@KizerBillhelm

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

@kellymcc0y

When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice

@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’