I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’