Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Check your privilege
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.