I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.


I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.


COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan


Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’


One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.


I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?


Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?


If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.


My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂