I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?