I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?

her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name

me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182


Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.


Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.


Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere


Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide