Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’
Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I won’t sugarcoat something unless I’m eating it