I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Received some very disappointing news today
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need