I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!